The Special "K"

SHANE: You aren't one of those oversensitive people that has no logical reason for hating the word cunt, are you?

JESS: No, I have a logical reason. But what's your argument?

SHANE: Ok, so historically guttural sounding words are more offensive than their less guttural sounding synonymous counterparts...

Crap vs Poop vs Shit
Cock vs Dick
Fuck vs Sex

It's the harsh sounding 'K' coming from the back of the throat. And now onto camera film... the name KODAK was named kodak because of the harsh K sound. Because it sounds strong.

CUNT vs Pussy vs Vagina

all synonymous, but cunt is the no-no word. why??? It's the gutteral K sound followed by the T. It just sounds like you're hoking up a loogey when you say it. It's the same reason you can call a buddy a dick and its fine, but if you call them a cock it stings a bit more. And it's usually for people who actually pissed you off.

JESS: hmmmmm..... thats fascinating. I feel like this should be on our blog.

SHANE: It probably should be.


Done and done.

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[Footnote:]

The letter "K" had been a favorite of Eastman's, he is quoted as saying, "it seems a strong, incisive sort of letter". He and his mother devised the name Kodak with an anagram set. Also a helper of the Kodak, (Kathryn E. W.) loved the letter "K" also. He said that there were three principal concepts he used in creating the name: it should be short, one cannot mispronounce it, and it could not resemble anything or be associated with anything but Kodak. It has also been suggested that "Kodak" originated from the suggestion of David Houston, a fellow photographic inventor who held the patents to several roll film camera concepts that he later sold to Eastman. Houston, who started receiving patents in 1881, was said to have chosen "Nodak" as a nickname of his home state, North Dakota (NoDak).[6] This is contested by other historians, however, who cite that Kodak was trademarked prior to Eastman buying Houston's patents.[7]

Don't Dip Your Cross in the Company Altar Boy

JESS: "Just out of curiosity. do you think Catholic priests molest little boys because deep down they are really gay pedophiles? Or is it because they can't get a boy pregnant and thereby decreases their chance of being caught?"

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SHANE:
Even god gets a lil horny every now and then. The power of christ compels you.
The passion of the passion fruit of the passion staff of the christ of the...the.....of..

Yikes!

JESS: Does this or does this not look like the scariest penis ever??



Oh wait... That's a fish?! I guess even God smokes crack on occasion.

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SHANE:

Looks more like a vagina they way it has lips and teeth...but I'm a glass half full kinda guy

No Cars Go

JESS: Does anyone else find it interesting that a foreign car company is going through the worst recall in history and a public relations nightmare? This happens so shortly after floundering American automakers are saved by immense corporate bailouts. Is this strictly a coincidence? I smell conspiracyyyyyy........

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Shane:
No thats not interesting at all. Let's talk about tiger woods and where he stuck his peepee!!! Toy-Auto just needs some duct tape and a spit-shine.

Hey toyota........Tiger needs a sponsor.......

feed us....fetus..

SHANE:
From the country that makes all of your baby's toys and alternative medicines

http://blogs.law.harvard.edu/dowbrigade/2006/04/19/fetus-eating-sect-in-south-china/?mode=day





....sounds dericious. Pretty ghoulish, but we have to respect and accept other cultures traditions, even if they are repugnant.

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JESS: WTF?!?!?!

Yea, I suppose you have to accept other traditions and cultures... if that culture is CANNIBALISM!! Seriously, this is just disturbing. The photograph is horrifying at best. I nearly regurgitated my own lunch. Which just so happened to be a good ol'fashioned American Hot Pocket.

What I wanna know is where are these 7-month-old fetuses coming from? Does he keep a fridge full of pregnant women and pull the babies out during the mid-day rush? ORDER UP!! Or... he does have a 19-year-old wife... So, I gather he impregnates her, harvests the baby, eats his soup to get it up, and impregnates her again.

Ahhhhh..... the circle of life.

Who Would've Guessed It?

JESS: So, I went to this swanky loft party last weekend. Everyone there was aged about 19-23, and apparently they all thought I was somewhere in the 21-year-old range. (Not sure if that's a testament to my looks or my maturity.) When they found out that I was actually 28, it was always met with a "OMG! I never would've guessed you were that old!" Which, on one hand is a good thing... I suppose. That I can fit in with these "kids" and they just happen to think I'm way brilliant. But... is 28 really that old? I never really thought so til then. If it is, Jesus... that sucks.

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SHANE:
28 is way old. have you started shopping for grave plots, grandma? i think you would look older if you smoked. also probably cooler. you could use some older, cooler points and nothing racks those up like some cigarette smoke. Crack works too, that'll age your face. Also try being a coal miner, nothing says old like a black lung cough.

Little Red Riding Hood is Robin Hood's Communist Cousin

JESS: I don't get why every time I use the term "the greater good", people want to label me a socialist. It's not like I want everyone to be exactly the same. I don't think everyone works hard enough to deserve a nice home or belongings. I just feel like people can try to look beyond themselves and past their immediate wants, like a new boat or another vacation. All these savvy business people, making millions of dollars a year should want to reinvest in their country. All the business owners, atheletes, entertainers, doctors, etc. would be nothing without the general working public buying their goods or using their services. I admit there are those welfare lifers who milk the system and are an incessant drain on the economy, but there is corruption on both sides. And that is a completely different issue that needs to be addressed.

For now, everyone has to cut back a bit and I don't understand why so many wealthy people are getting bent out of shape about having to suffer with only $2 million this year. First rule of business school is you gotta spend money to make money. Not all of your money is going to support food stamp mothers and drug addicts. Some people just want to have a 9-5 so they can take care of their families and be able to feed them. It's all in your perspective. You can look at it like the government is unjustifiably taking your money (during a national crisis to avoid a 2nd great depression). Or you could be thankful you are in a position to be able to help your fellow man and invest in our country's future. After all, those same people you help will soon be handing that money right back over to you when they make their purchases.

I know a lot of people are going to disagree with this, but whatever. I ruffle feathers... it's what I do.

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SHANE:
Ruffles have ridges.
Wouldnt robin hood also be a communist, being that he robbed from the rich and gave to the poor..He also wore tights, which helps to prove that communism is a failure. Little red riding hood decided to assist and coddle the old and the weak, much like what we do today , and it nearly cost her life. How many more clowns in an iron lung can our world support? I'm still waiting for President Jesus-Obama to heal my wounds and pay off my gambling debt, cuz poppa had a lucky streak that ran out 5 minutes too early.

The Terrorists Win Again...

SHANE:
http://news.yahoo.com/s/nm/20100123/wl_nm/us_anthrax_europe_1

breaking news.
stop shooting up heroin.

someone has been lacing my Schedule 1 narcotic with poison!!
estrogen in my soy milk, e. coli in my spinach, now a guy cant even shootup anymore.

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JESS: I wonder how this development is going to affect the drug distribution business. Many slangers are sure to be laid off and out of work. They'll need to tighten their belts. For once... not around their arms.

oh my jesus god! (soapbox moment for jess)

JESS: I tried to reason with my friend today that if people are allowed to believe in Jesus, I should be able to believe in Mother Nature. Maybe I believe that through worshiping her, I will be rewarded in the end. In a post-apocalyptic society where humans aren't fighting over oil or goods, but water and air (you know, things we actually NEED to survive), I will get generous rations to last me the rest of my years. Christians can keep their God with the wrath and the vengeance. He seems like a crochity old man. I just imagine Mother Nature dancing barefoot in a field of wildflowers. Now, that's who I want to party with.

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SHANE:
Vegetarians find your god to be delicious...So do meatweaving carnivores...

Christianity is only delicious on Easter, everyone loves a chocolate Jesus on the cross. I like to start at the head and make him dance around as headless-jeezo.

Pillnapper

JESS: Why do you think people steal things and then lie about it? I mean, I know *why* they do it -- because they don't want to get caught. But what is it that causes some of us to want to steal and lie and others to not? Is it a malfunction in the brain? I can't help but think that there's something chemically imbalanced about those kind of people to begin with.

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SHANE: jeezis talk about a guilt trip.

here's you're dildo back, I'm sorry i borrowed it without permission.

SHANE: i vote that pictures of little kids flipping the bird are hilarious, and that there should be a national monument dedicated to them.

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JESS: Is this what you had in mind?

A Bald-Faced Lie

JESS: I have this theory that when men go bald, they don't actually lose their hair. It retreats back into their heads. Which is why as men grow older and their hairlines recede, one can't help but notice an increase in the hair pouring out of their nostrils and ears and eyebrows.

There's nowhere else for it to go!!! Eventually, of course, strands of hair begin to wrap themselves around the brain, causing malfunctions, which is why men aren't as smart as women. Women don't suffer from this affliction, and this results in our unchallenged success and inevitable takeover of the world. And when that day comes, we will laugh our evil laugh and toss our long, flowing manes from side to side.

BWAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

SHANE: i hope a chemo patient slashes your tires

The X-Crement Files

SHANE: have you ever looked around when its a crowded street
and think of all the poop people are carrying around inside them?

...bags of shit with legs


and I then I think if there was some alien laser beam that would pull everyone up, but only leave the feces inside them behind... what that experience would be like and how it would effect my eating habits.


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JESS: Why on earth would the aliens want the people without the shit?! The aliens must be advanced enough to be able to use it as fuel or some sort of energy-creating material. Surely, the poop presents a greater use than the insignificant humans keeping it contained. Perhaps they need the humans for food, sustenance. I'd rather see them pull all the innards out, eat them up, and leave piles of human costumes all over the sidewalk. Those left standing could wear what's been left behind and finally look the way they always wished they could.