Little Red Riding Hood is Robin Hood's Communist Cousin

JESS: I don't get why every time I use the term "the greater good", people want to label me a socialist. It's not like I want everyone to be exactly the same. I don't think everyone works hard enough to deserve a nice home or belongings. I just feel like people can try to look beyond themselves and past their immediate wants, like a new boat or another vacation. All these savvy business people, making millions of dollars a year should want to reinvest in their country. All the business owners, atheletes, entertainers, doctors, etc. would be nothing without the general working public buying their goods or using their services. I admit there are those welfare lifers who milk the system and are an incessant drain on the economy, but there is corruption on both sides. And that is a completely different issue that needs to be addressed.

For now, everyone has to cut back a bit and I don't understand why so many wealthy people are getting bent out of shape about having to suffer with only $2 million this year. First rule of business school is you gotta spend money to make money. Not all of your money is going to support food stamp mothers and drug addicts. Some people just want to have a 9-5 so they can take care of their families and be able to feed them. It's all in your perspective. You can look at it like the government is unjustifiably taking your money (during a national crisis to avoid a 2nd great depression). Or you could be thankful you are in a position to be able to help your fellow man and invest in our country's future. After all, those same people you help will soon be handing that money right back over to you when they make their purchases.

I know a lot of people are going to disagree with this, but whatever. I ruffle feathers... it's what I do.

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SHANE:
Ruffles have ridges.
Wouldnt robin hood also be a communist, being that he robbed from the rich and gave to the poor..He also wore tights, which helps to prove that communism is a failure. Little red riding hood decided to assist and coddle the old and the weak, much like what we do today , and it nearly cost her life. How many more clowns in an iron lung can our world support? I'm still waiting for President Jesus-Obama to heal my wounds and pay off my gambling debt, cuz poppa had a lucky streak that ran out 5 minutes too early.

The Terrorists Win Again...

SHANE:
http://news.yahoo.com/s/nm/20100123/wl_nm/us_anthrax_europe_1

breaking news.
stop shooting up heroin.

someone has been lacing my Schedule 1 narcotic with poison!!
estrogen in my soy milk, e. coli in my spinach, now a guy cant even shootup anymore.

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JESS: I wonder how this development is going to affect the drug distribution business. Many slangers are sure to be laid off and out of work. They'll need to tighten their belts. For once... not around their arms.

oh my jesus god! (soapbox moment for jess)

JESS: I tried to reason with my friend today that if people are allowed to believe in Jesus, I should be able to believe in Mother Nature. Maybe I believe that through worshiping her, I will be rewarded in the end. In a post-apocalyptic society where humans aren't fighting over oil or goods, but water and air (you know, things we actually NEED to survive), I will get generous rations to last me the rest of my years. Christians can keep their God with the wrath and the vengeance. He seems like a crochity old man. I just imagine Mother Nature dancing barefoot in a field of wildflowers. Now, that's who I want to party with.

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SHANE:
Vegetarians find your god to be delicious...So do meatweaving carnivores...

Christianity is only delicious on Easter, everyone loves a chocolate Jesus on the cross. I like to start at the head and make him dance around as headless-jeezo.

Pillnapper

JESS: Why do you think people steal things and then lie about it? I mean, I know *why* they do it -- because they don't want to get caught. But what is it that causes some of us to want to steal and lie and others to not? Is it a malfunction in the brain? I can't help but think that there's something chemically imbalanced about those kind of people to begin with.

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SHANE: jeezis talk about a guilt trip.

here's you're dildo back, I'm sorry i borrowed it without permission.

SHANE: i vote that pictures of little kids flipping the bird are hilarious, and that there should be a national monument dedicated to them.

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JESS: Is this what you had in mind?

A Bald-Faced Lie

JESS: I have this theory that when men go bald, they don't actually lose their hair. It retreats back into their heads. Which is why as men grow older and their hairlines recede, one can't help but notice an increase in the hair pouring out of their nostrils and ears and eyebrows.

There's nowhere else for it to go!!! Eventually, of course, strands of hair begin to wrap themselves around the brain, causing malfunctions, which is why men aren't as smart as women. Women don't suffer from this affliction, and this results in our unchallenged success and inevitable takeover of the world. And when that day comes, we will laugh our evil laugh and toss our long, flowing manes from side to side.

BWAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

SHANE: i hope a chemo patient slashes your tires

The X-Crement Files

SHANE: have you ever looked around when its a crowded street
and think of all the poop people are carrying around inside them?

...bags of shit with legs


and I then I think if there was some alien laser beam that would pull everyone up, but only leave the feces inside them behind... what that experience would be like and how it would effect my eating habits.


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JESS: Why on earth would the aliens want the people without the shit?! The aliens must be advanced enough to be able to use it as fuel or some sort of energy-creating material. Surely, the poop presents a greater use than the insignificant humans keeping it contained. Perhaps they need the humans for food, sustenance. I'd rather see them pull all the innards out, eat them up, and leave piles of human costumes all over the sidewalk. Those left standing could wear what's been left behind and finally look the way they always wished they could.